Wow, has it been that long?!

So apparently it has been over a year since I wrote that very depressing post. I have been itching to start blogging again. And just have not put the time into getting back, as you can see we added a new little one to the bunch. Lucky baby number four, or Joseph Bradley joined our family this past February, and made it a little bit more crazy then it was already.I will slowly try to catch up, with our family's round about. 

I will start by our most recent trip to NY. 

My husband has been going to many work trips, and I had the option of tagging along for free hotels and seeing new places or staying at home alone with my kids for the summer. So as hard as that choice may have been...   We chose to travel to as many places as we could. 

The last trip was in Buffalo, NY. He flew out and the kids and I drove for 2 days straight and met him there, Where we took one day and went to the children museum, and the hotel pool while daddy worked. But we also were able to make a little vacation and go to Niagara Falls as a family. It was beautiful and the kids were impressed to say the least. 

We also went on the Maid of the Mist boat, and got SOAKED.

This is my little Annabelle, 

These are the American Falls.

And here are the big ones. 

Nothing can describe the power of these falls, its impossible to watch and not be convinced that God has 

planed and carried out this beautiful world to every last detail.

Ready to go explore the Hurricane Deck.

We were given these Beautiful sandals in order to safely climb to the top. 

Very fashionable don't you think?

 After seeing everything we could possibly see in the US side, we headed to Canada. 

And the view from the is... Breathtaking 

This was our day at this beautiful place, stay tuned for the next day... as we head to Palmyra.

  

What is it about mothers???

From the moment of conception til who knows when... a woman gives up all rights to her body, mind and soul. To a child who will steel her heart faster then the speed of sound, because even before they make a sound we would already die for them. We put our bodies through the greatest change since we were being created, and then for the rest of our lives those little people walking outside of us; Decide when we are happy, sad, excited, angry, exhausted, stressed, worried, proud and so on.

From the moment we become mothers, we are overtaken a the greatest love and feeling of accomplishment. While at the same time overwhelmed with the responsibility, and work that it takes to raise well rounded, productive, responsible, children to adulthood. It is at that moment that all the silent little acts will take place, and will continue to for ever. 

Only a mother knows...

• That last week she ate burnt toast, cause she didn't want he children or husband to have to eat it.
• That she woke up with the baby 6 times just so her husband could be rested the next day.
• She didn't have milk with her cookies because her children wanted a second glass. 
• She sewed her pants for the 2nd time, because her children needed summer cloths.
• That she missed that girls night out because her husband had something else he wanted to do.
• She cried herself to sleep, after her children complained about something that she tried her best to accomplish.
• That she put her hair up on pony, so that her girls could look beautiful. 
• That sometimes she really didn't want just water with dinner, but there was only enough for the others at the table

The list can go on forever, these silent little acts are part of our everyday lives. We do it without thinking about it, they come natural for a mother.

We have 1, 2, 3 or however many little blessings we are blessed with, following us around. They are fully ours. How many of your husbands ask you if you will take care of the kids for him while he goes to work? However if you have something as important as his work, maybe a doctors appointment, or whatever. You have to find childcare. You can't just assume that because he is aware of it, and its his children just as much as yours he knows he will be watching them...

A woman, especially one without a degree like me. Recognizes that she cannot live without the work of her husband, that because of him she is able to cook meals for her children. She has a bed to sleep in and a roof over her head. All because of him, I know I can never and will never replace him. And yet I could be so easily replaced. Anyone can raise my kids, probably do a better job then me.

Our church teaches of the divinity of the women, how we are co-creators with the father. How we are the ones who can raise His children here on Earth. How we are to be the "protectors" of the home, we are the ones who are to keep the spirit of God within the walls of our home. However we need to do that by...

Cooking a balanced meal, keeping a home tidy and clean, cause the spirit of God cannot be where there is clutter. Managing a budget, food storage, visiting teaching, reaching out to others, family home evening, daily scripture study, family and personal prayer, helping kids with their school work, teaching them about the Gospel, supporting our husbands, magnify our callings, and this list too can go on and on.

How can I feel good about anything if the only thing that I am supposed to do, is a thing that no diploma is needed. And I can't do it. Or even worse, some days I have no desire of doing it.

Some days I do question the purpose of my existence, they say that the more you give of your self the better you will feel. Well I am here to tell you... I have given my self completely, to the point of not knowing who I am anymore. If you were to ask me: What would I do if I had 5 hours completely to my self, and money was not an issue. I have thought about it, and truly I don't know.

A feeling of total control loss, starts from the beginning of the day and it progressively gets worse. It seams like I am always trying to catch up, but I am never close. My thoughts are everywhere, I can't concentrate in one thing. And the overwhelming feeling of failure sets in, and a I loose it. Funny thing is, I can walk around and no one would know that I am .30 seconds from a melt down. I can make jokes, and laugh as if nothing is wrong at all. I can have a perfect night out with my husband, and not show that am dying inside.

Then I have these moments of clarity, and I look back and try really hard to see why I am so miserable. I have a good life. I have more then what I need and want. I am healthy, my children are amazing. My husband loves me. I never go to bed hungry. I drive a beautiful car. So WHAT THE HECK IS WRONG WITH ME.

If you know. Please feel free to tell me, cause I am sick of it.

Safety or Stupidity...

So lets start out by saying... I am NOT a mom who goes by the book, actually I can't stand the book. What does IT know about MY child? Nothing that's how much...

I hate Dr.'s offices, I stay away from them like I stay away from poop. (well actually that's not a good comparison, Poop and I meet many time thought out the day) but you get it right??!! I hate it so much that my husband had to cough out blood before I agreed that he need to go to the hospital, and be diagnosed with Pneumonia.

Worst then going to the Doctors is to be reprimanded by the doctor... "You mean you don't know if your son can hop in one leg over 40 times?"

*That's right DOC, and here I thought cooking dinner and cleaning the bathroom was more important then counting hops. You see why I hate books? If I had read the darn book I would have know to count the hops, so that I wouldn't look stupid.

Anyways... after 3 kids i learned... Always answer what they want to hear. "Is your child out of the bottle?" *Absolutely... (nope, and she wont be for another 8 - 10 months) "Can she stack 3 or 4 blocks?" * Oh Yes... (actually we don't own blocks in my house... I got tired of picking them up)

So when this question came up... "Does your child ride in the rear side of the vehicle facing the rear where she will stay until she is 2 years old?" *** WOWOWOWOW... HOLD THE FORK. Did you just say 2 years old? "Yes they are changing the law... " Who is they, and if they are that stupid why are they involved with the law?

Seriously... Did anyone give this a second thought? Or a thought at all? Apparently they are already making car seats to accommodation this crazy idea. And I bought one, well every 1st birthday my children receive for their gift their big kid seat. And since we have a 10 hour drive next week I fully intended to do it with my 11 month old facing forward so she could be a happy baby. Happy baby = Happy mommy = happy driver with no road rage. But today for the fun of it I installed the space ship in my car, facing the rear.

Apparently my car is too small for this car seat, because I had to drive with my knees up on my forehead in order for the little metal ball to balance on the green. And just you wait... she will soon be smart enough to know that her siblings are watching a movie while she stares at a awesome tan colored head rest. And then she will scream her very loud lungs out. Oh and for the record I drive a Suburban, so if you plan to obey this ridiculous law. You have got to get something bigger. Good luck finding that.

So you tell me, is it safer to have one year old facing forward while happily watching tv, and a calm mother is alert enough to prevent accidents, or to have a crowded unhappy 18 month old, screaming while a mother stiff as a mummy, is trying to swerve the car she didn't see cause she was trying to calm her baby and trying to see through her knees? 

Yup that question is going to my, "Absolutely doc, she is facing the rear!!!..." of my head rest.

Just saying...

The pros of being alone....

You see this man??!! Well he turned 33 on Monday, and just that fast he left. At noon he boarded on a plane to Salt Lake City. At first  felt bad for the guy, I mean spending his birthday away from the family... That's sad right? Well a couple of days have gone by and I no longer feel bad for him. He calls me every once in a while, and tells me he misses me and the kids. And that the conference is as good as a conference gets... blahblahh blahblah blahbla

Truth is... He sees it as work, a work related conference. And in his free time he catches up with home work. Sounds horrible doesn't it?

Well this is how I see it. He is in Salt Lake City, at a Marriott with no kids sleeping soundly all night in a clean king size bed, that gets made everyday, by someone other then him self. He wakes up to an all you can eat breakfast, which he enjoys it without the kids screaming at each other and asking for more of whatever you managed to plop at their plate that morning. He then proceed to a conference and spends a few hours listening to something about his favorite subject... Airplanes. He goes out for lunch, a little more plane talk, and a nice complete dinner that he does not have to cook. Like... Cafe Rio (last night) or Rodizio tonight with my sisters boy friend, (which for the record... lets specify!!!  that he would not even know what a Brazilian stake tastes like if not for me. A BRAZILIAN...) tomorrow night he will join my sister, MY SISTER and her boy friend for an amazing dinner somewhere, and Frozen Custard. And on Friday he will go Snow boarding for the first half of the day before he needs to fly back to this zoo called home. 

Hard work I tell you. Do they have a conference like that for a stay at home mom? If not... does anyone want to start one with me? I think we should should plan one for the summer in NEW YORK. 

Anyways... the pros of being alone, is that I don't have to cook huge dinners. In fact Spencer planned the menu this week. We had Pancakes with blue berries, on Monday, Mac n Cheese yesterday, today some chicken wraps. tomorrow turkey burgers and Friday we will go out to a fancy little place here in town called McDs. Another good thing is, I have not lifted a finger in this house except to type, and click the remote control. the laundry is all clean on the floor of the living room waiting for it to be folded. The kitchen... well I don't know where it is anymore, I cant see it under all the junk me and the kids dragged in there. The table is buried by papers and color pencils, and the floor is a perfect place for Ms, Annabelle to have a picnic.  Now I know I am setting my self for disaster, the maid is gonna have to work extra hard to clean it up. OH and when I say maid, I mean ME. But for now... I will pretend to feel sorry for him, and his HARD work. Because, Well, that's what good little wives do. 

I'm on the edge...

Hello, my name is Vanessa... and I am about to reveal my dark little secret of the week.

*WARNING: From here on it's depressing, and it may change your opinion about me to worse.

Right now, I am shaking. I am about to have a major break down. My head is pounding, it has been since I woke up this morning. I am holding back the tears, waiting for my husband to come home in 30 minutes so I can turn on the shower and cry  under hot water until it runs out and I have to get out before I suffer from hypothermia. 

I have been a single mom, my husband has been out everyday this week till past 9 pm doing work or church stuff. Last week though he was home, he was upstairs doing home work until past 2:00 am. My baby is screaming right now in her crib, for no reason... and her cry has become THE most annoying sound in the world. I have no desire to clean or cook. In fact all I want is a few hours alone, ALONE. to sleep, and do what ever the heck I feel like. I want my mom. 

I have had to clean poop off too many surfaces this week. I am sick and tired of cleaning the same things everyday over and over. without any HELP. 

I dont know what enxiety attack is...

--------------------------&---------------------------

Okay... it is now 2 weeks since I typed that... It turns out I did have an anxiety attack, and if you have never had one.... It is a horrible feeling. As I was typing I felt my blood boil, and it was coming from my toes up to my chest, and it got to a point where I cried uncontrollably and felt like I could not breath. I then knew exactly what is was... My mother suffers from depression of and on, and she described that feeling to me and I knew then I needed help. I called her and she talked me through breathing and then through calming down. And the truth about me was out... Now I had to tell her, and my husband what a disappointment I really am. It turns out.... I AM NOT PERFECT.  I can't do it all, and although I would like people to think I can. It's not healthy to have to live up to my expectations of my self. I have spent the last 2 week re-evaluating my life, and I now understand that the only way I will ever be okay with the idea of not being perfect is if I let the world know my reality. The truth is... I am good in many things, but I am not the best.

I decided that best way to let everyone know who I am is here, if I start here it will be easier to live it. So as you see, I took off the pink and flowers and the frilly stuff from my blog. I did find this template, which is kind of how I feel lately, black and white with hints of color. I have good days and bad days, and some days are just days.

Hopefully now that I wont be trying so hard to have a picture perfect blog, and life. I will be more faithful to this blogging thing. I will come in my good moments and in my raw moments to share whatever and get it out of my chest. I understand if you totally never come back. I mean... who wants to be near a downer? not me I tell you... But unfortunately she follows me around lately.

I am not one to boast.

So.... I am not, well I try not to be. And if I ever came across as snobby or flashy, or what ever it is they call it in the street these days, I am truly sorry. It was not intentional.

I believe people like that are not very likable, and heavens knows that my personally is one that likes to be liked. Even though I do say things I shouldn't at very inappropriate times. And I have had to throw my foot up from the back of my throat a few times. I do try to be nice, and mindful of people.

Ok now that I have set you up into beliving that i am a humble person. I have to say that this post is all about bragging about my self. In October, I realized how unhappy with myself I was. I was just not me, nothing looked good, nothing fit good, nothing made me look how I like to look. I felt frumpy, and wow that's a bad feeling. For a weekend great but everyday of your life? Oh no... Soooo I could sit in the couch, and eat my problems away making them bigger problems. Literaly... Or I could get up and do something. Which I was ready to do.

I started with a goal, 20 pounds... I shut my mouth and started running, and dancing. (Zumba) Holy cow... You know how hard it is to start a diet in the end of the year? When all the food is out. 3 days a week, in the gym not stoping till I was out of breath drenched in the tears of my fat crying.
I felt so good, when I steped in the scale and pounds were falling off every week. In 2 months I was at my goal. But my goal changed, just 10 more pounds... And for a couple weeks I had cursed my self. Nothing came off. Soooo 5 days a week and finally 30 pounds later I am feeling great, I was able to fit into my prom dress room 2002. That's crazy, and if I can fit into that my wedding dress should fit too.

And even though I should be happy and pleased with myself... I just moved my goal another 10 pounds. And I got a month and a half to do it.

I think I can, I think I can, I know I can, I know I will.

Scream fat, scream...

1 thing about me...

There are a few things in life that I soooo could live without.

1. Folding Laundry
2. Doing Dishes
3. GROCERY SHOPPING

I am not sure why grocery shopping is such a burden, I have always hated. I don't know if it's because I am spending bundles of money is crap that will end up making my arms and boobs bigger, or if it is the pleasant environment, where everyone is so polite and kind that they will move (shove) your cart for you, kid inside and all, if heavens forbid you are on their way.

Because I love this task so much I have been putting it off ALLLL week. You know it's bad when your kids start their own grocery list, and not just of junk they want but real stuff like Pull Ups. TODAY was the day... I did not even go to the gym, I mean c'mom that's a work out of it's own. I spent my morning balancing checkbook, making a list, and menu. I took my energizing vitamins. And by 3 PM I was ready to go.

I opened the Garage and hooorayyyy, no car. No car that fits more then 2 people that is. Apparently today was the day that my car needed an oil change. So hubby took car, keys, room, mobility, and CAR SEATS!!!!????  And I was left with the lawn mower. (mustang) I mean it's just as small as a mower.

I have to admit, the thought crossed my mind. "well, that's it.... can't go grocery shopping." And if it wasn't for the fact that I needed to pick up my son, 5 minutes ago. I would have marched back in my house where I would watch tv, blaming the husband for not having food around. I opened the door of the car to find out that the back seat was covered in books, papers, joy stick, and whatever else he could fit in there. I pushed all the junk to one side and buckled both my girls into one seat belt, and drove to the school. And since we are in the car and I already prepared mentaly for this task. We went to the store.

NOW... We didn't go to PUBLIX, or KROGERS, or any other awesome supermarkets. Because in this tiny little town I live in, I am not sure it's worthy of the name town... We'll call it... a Gathering of people, "alls we  got round hears'a wamart!!!"

We walk in, to find that the entire gathering of people had the same idea I had. It was like a family reunion, of way to large people wearing way to little cloths, "strollin round n round, loadin up the junk and bears, just gettin ready for tha supper bowl sundy naght"

Anyways.... We go in, and like I said... I AM READY!!! I CAN DO THIS!!! BRING IT ON!!! Right after I prepare a bottle, and lay the baby IN the cart on top of a jacket. (no carseat remember) OK.... NOOOOWW lets do it.

BANANAS check
HAM AND CHEESE check
AVOCADOS check
ZUCCHINI check

I was blazing through this... "not bad" I thought, "they are not asking for anything"

BREAD che... "I DONT LIKE THAT KIND," well i don't care if you like it "WELL, YOU ARE MAKING SANDWICHES FOR ME TO TAKE TO SCHOOL RIGHT??" yes??!!  "I THINK YOU SHOULD CARE, SINCE I AM THE ONE EATING IT."  well in that case... Let's grab 2 bags of it.


BREAD CHECK
BOX OF CHOCOLATE GRANOLA BARS, no check necessary it was not on the list.
TOMATO SAUCE check
JUICE "I WANT APPLE JUICE"  "I WON WAN APPLE JUICE, I WAN RED JUICE" "NO STEPHANIE RED JUICE IS GROSE" "YOU GROSE"  Ok, we will get apple this week.
A BAG OF WHITE SWIRL DOVE CHOCOLATE no check needed on this one either.
CEREAL " I WANT HONEY CHEERIOS" "I WANT FRUITY CHEEOUS" 
BOX OF COOKIES N CREAM POP TART, not on the list

And an argument was created in every single isle from then on, We of course had to stop to pee, and amazingly enough both potty trained kids HAD to go. Spencer fell and got hurt cause he was calmly running up n down the isle. Stephanie had a HUGE break down, because she can not have Fairy Pull Ups, She must PEE on Princess Pull Ups only. And we grabbed a couple more things that were not on the list, like chocolate covered cookies, and some over priced buddy fruity, (glorified apple sauce) and it was now time to go pay...

$150.00 dollars later, I managed to fit me 3 kids and a shopping cart of Crap that will make my arms and boobs bigger. In a mustang with a library of it's own, even in the trunk.

I unloaded the bags and found something chocolaty in every single bag.

Next time I am tempted to go shopping with 3 kids again, I will grab a chocolate and read this post and let that desire pass. And from now on I will hit the awesomeness of WALMART at midnight.