Why Me?

Ok so it's one of those nights, that I am not tired and decided to just go on about my life...

Well I need to give you a little background as to why the tittle of this post, as far as I can remember my purpose in life was suposed to be an amazing mother. So my journey began Dec. 13th 2003 when I married my eternal companion. We took a year to be just the 2 of us and settle our differences. We started trying to add to our family exactly one year later, Dec. 2004. I though that since I was young things would just happen very fast, so 3 months later I was pregnant. We celebrate and told everyone the big news, just so that 13 weeks later we found out that there was no heart beat, and my world came crashing down. BOY THAT WAS HARD! But finally April of 2006 I became the mother of a Miracle little boy. We tried again 2 years later just so that the same thing would happen, after finding out we were expecting twins we found out we were loosing them too. But we didn't give up, we tried again, and in March 2009 I once again became a mother, to Stephanie. People everywhere think our fanily is complete just because I have a boy and a girl. The thing is, I don't think we are done. I know there are more babies who are suposed to come to our family.

So we were taking one year break before we attemped baby #3, when we found out in Dec, 2009 that we were expecting again. There was a little bit of mixed feeling towards this one, for the first time it was a surprize and not planned. So it has to work out right? NOPE I lost that baby too. So here is where the question came once again, WHY ME?

From the first time it happened to the third, that is one question I could not figure out. Till now, at first I though it was punishment for something i've done. And I received an answer to that, no matter what I have done wrong in my life Christ died for me so that I would not have to suffer for it. So that is not it. So maybe I am not worthy of it right? Well, if I was not worthy of being a mother than I would not have any, how can I be worthy of having 2 but not 3? So that is silly too. So Why? Well, being a mother is everything to me. It is my prupose in life. I did not come to this world to be a lawyer, or a nurse, or a career woman. I came here to be a tool in Gods hand by creating a raising children, and leading them back to him. And the best part is... I love doing it. I may not bee doing it in a way that everyone agrees, but I am doing it the way that I know how and how I think it needs to be for my children. If I was going to law school I would have to pass the bar exam to become a lawyer, and for any other career one is tested to see how badly they want it and how well they are prepared for it.

The fact that I keep being tested, on the same thing just reasures me, of what my purpose is. Heavenly Father wants to know how bad do I want it, and if I am prepared for it. Also he is reminding me, that, control freak here cannot control everything. That is something I really have no control over it. AKA 5 pregnancies and 2 babies. And let me tell you, it drives me crazy sometimes

This time around I was able to step back and look at other peoples trials, especially because of all the things my sister is going through. And I realize that we are all tested in that wich we want most in life. Things cannot just be handed over to us, so when I look around and ask, well how come that 15 year old can become pregnant and have a baby, when it is not that easy for me? Well that is just it, my trials are not her trials. My strengths are not her strengths, and although I still sit on the shower some days crying and feeling sorry for myself. I know that, things are not hapening to break me. But to build me up to the mother that Heavenly Father knows I need to be.

It is days like these that I need to learn to step back, and REALLY count my blessings. Pick myself up and try again. After all isn't that what we tell our children to do? So why would God not teach His children the same principles? I don't know how many children I will have, or how many more miscarriages. All I know is... that this is my brick to carry through life. Although I am not there yet, I am learning to REALLY rely in Christ and to trust him. It is hard when I feel like the one thing i was meant to do, my stupid body can't do it right. Or when everyone is excited and tell the world their big news, I keep waiting to loose it and not telling anyone. The one thing I really like about it is... After I loose one baby I trully enjoy every moment of the next, morning sickness and heart burns, and bathroom visits, and back aches are welcomed. Because you really never know how good you have it till you don't have it anymore.

So I guess... If you ever ask yourself WHY ME? Just step back and recognize the blessings you do have, and although it is not easy just try, try again. Heavenly Father will recognize your effords and compensate you for it.

I am always scared of the unknown, but not afraid to take that step towards it.
We'll see what happens next...

P.S. I just have to say how Grateful I am to my Eternal Companion, he has been my rock through all of this, we have in our 6 years of marriage been tried and tried. And it is conforting to know that we have each other. That he along with my Father in heaven will carry me when I cannot take another step. I love him, and the best decision I ever made was to walk in the temple doors with Him.