From the moment we become mothers, we are overtaken a the greatest love and feeling of accomplishment. While at the same time overwhelmed with the responsibility, and work that it takes to raise well rounded, productive, responsible, children to adulthood. It is at that moment that all the silent little acts will take place, and will continue to for ever.
Only a mother knows...
- That last week she ate burnt toast, cause she didn't want he children or husband to have to eat it.
- That she woke up with the baby 6 times just so her husband could be rested the next day.
- She didn't have milk with her cookies because her children wanted a second glass.
- She sewed her pants for the 2nd time, because her children needed summer cloths.
- That she missed that girls night out because her husband had something else he wanted to do.
- She cried herself to sleep, after her children complained about something that she tried her best to accomplish.
- That she put her hair up on pony, so that her girls could look beautiful.
- That sometimes she really didn't want just water with dinner, but there was only enough for the others at the table
We have 1, 2, 3 or however many little blessings we are blessed with, following us around. They are fully ours. How many of your husbands ask you if you will take care of the kids for him while he goes to work? However if you have something as important as his work, maybe a doctors appointment, or whatever. You have to find childcare. You can't just assume that because he is aware of it, and its his children just as much as yours he knows he will be watching them...
A woman, especially one without a degree like me. Recognizes that she cannot live without the work of her husband, that because of him she is able to cook meals for her children. She has a bed to sleep in and a roof over her head. All because of him, I know I can never and will never replace him. And yet I could be so easily replaced. Anyone can raise my kids, probably do a better job then me.
Our church teaches of the divinity of the women, how we are co-creators with the father. How we are the ones who can raise His children here on Earth. How we are to be the "protectors" of the home, we are the ones who are to keep the spirit of God within the walls of our home. However we need to do that by...
Cooking a balanced meal, keeping a home tidy and clean, cause the spirit of God cannot be where there is clutter. Managing a budget, food storage, visiting teaching, reaching out to others, family home evening, daily scripture study, family and personal prayer, helping kids with their school work, teaching them about the Gospel, supporting our husbands, magnify our callings, and this list too can go on and on.
How can I feel good about anything if the only thing that I am supposed to do, is a thing that no diploma is needed. And I can't do it. Or even worse, some days I have no desire of doing it.
Some days I do question the purpose of my existence, they say that the more you give of your self the better you will feel. Well I am here to tell you... I have given my self completely, to the point of not knowing who I am anymore. If you were to ask me: What would I do if I had 5 hours completely to my self, and money was not an issue. I have thought about it, and truly I don't know.
A feeling of total control loss, starts from the beginning of the day and it progressively gets worse. It seams like I am always trying to catch up, but I am never close. My thoughts are everywhere, I can't concentrate in one thing. And the overwhelming feeling of failure sets in, and a I loose it. Funny thing is, I can walk around and no one would know that I am .30 seconds from a melt down. I can make jokes, and laugh as if nothing is wrong at all. I can have a perfect night out with my husband, and not show that am dying inside.
Then I have these moments of clarity, and I look back and try really hard to see why I am so miserable. I have a good life. I have more then what I need and want. I am healthy, my children are amazing. My husband loves me. I never go to bed hungry. I drive a beautiful car. So WHAT THE HECK IS WRONG WITH ME.
If you know. Please feel free to tell me, cause I am sick of it.
One day at a time, don't think you can do everything all at once. Baby steps my friend, baby steps.
ReplyDeleteYou are a wonderful mother and remember, Heavenly Father gave you those three blessings to raise because He has faith in YOU just as you need to have faith in yourself.
Hang in there, your family loves you.
Vanessa I want to email you. If you don't get it will you email me. It's just my first name (dot) last name @gmail.com. ((hugs))
ReplyDeleteYou are definitely NOT alone in feeling this way. I wanted to have kids at 20 and my husband says to me no way no how! A few years later when we were ready to start trying to have a kid I said no way no how, I was so close to finishing my diploma that I wanted it! A few years later I was done and ready to have kids but 2 miscarriages later God tells me no my daughter, not now. So I went to work and while I was in my "career" I got pregnant and 9 months + 1 week later I have Clara. I love being a mother. I also know that God had a plan for me, specifically for me and it had to be in his time not mine. Your time was when it happened and God knew what he was doing. You will find yourself in the smiles of your children and in their sweet kisses. It takes time but you are being grafted into a beautiful wife and mother and trust me I know it's hard but you are doing it and I love it!! Love you girl :) Thank you for sharing your feelings with the world. It lets me know I'm not alone.
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