Hello, my name is Vanessa... and I am about to reveal my dark little secret of the week.
*WARNING: From here on it's depressing, and it may change your opinion about me to worse.
Right now, I am shaking. I am about to have a major break down. My head is pounding, it has been since I woke up this morning. I am holding back the tears, waiting for my husband to come home in 30 minutes so I can turn on the shower and cry under hot water until it runs out and I have to get out before I suffer from hypothermia.
I have been a single mom, my husband has been out everyday this week till past 9 pm doing work or church stuff. Last week though he was home, he was upstairs doing home work until past 2:00 am. My baby is screaming right now in her crib, for no reason... and her cry has become THE most annoying sound in the world. I have no desire to clean or cook. In fact all I want is a few hours alone, ALONE. to sleep, and do what ever the heck I feel like. I want my mom.
I have had to clean poop off too many surfaces this week. I am sick and tired of cleaning the same things everyday over and over. without any HELP.
I dont know what enxiety attack is...
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Okay... it is now 2 weeks since I typed that... It turns out I did have an anxiety attack, and if you have never had one.... It is a horrible feeling. As I was typing I felt my blood boil, and it was coming from my toes up to my chest, and it got to a point where I cried uncontrollably and felt like I could not breath. I then knew exactly what is was... My mother suffers from depression of and on, and she described that feeling to me and I knew then I needed help. I called her and she talked me through breathing and then through calming down. And the truth about me was out... Now I had to tell her, and my husband what a disappointment I really am. It turns out.... I AM NOT PERFECT. I can't do it all, and although I would like people to think I can. It's not healthy to have to live up to my expectations of my self. I have spent the last 2 week re-evaluating my life, and I now understand that the only way I will ever be okay with the idea of not being perfect is if I let the world know my reality. The truth is... I am good in many things, but I am not the best.
I decided that best way to let everyone know who I am is here, if I start here it will be easier to live it. So as you see, I took off the pink and flowers and the frilly stuff from my blog. I did find this template, which is kind of how I feel lately, black and white with hints of color. I have good days and bad days, and some days are just days.
Hopefully now that I wont be trying so hard to have a picture perfect blog, and life. I will be more faithful to this blogging thing. I will come in my good moments and in my raw moments to share whatever and get it out of my chest. I understand if you totally never come back. I mean... who wants to be near a downer? not me I tell you... But unfortunately she follows me around lately.
--------------------------&---------------------------
Okay... it is now 2 weeks since I typed that... It turns out I did have an anxiety attack, and if you have never had one.... It is a horrible feeling. As I was typing I felt my blood boil, and it was coming from my toes up to my chest, and it got to a point where I cried uncontrollably and felt like I could not breath. I then knew exactly what is was... My mother suffers from depression of and on, and she described that feeling to me and I knew then I needed help. I called her and she talked me through breathing and then through calming down. And the truth about me was out... Now I had to tell her, and my husband what a disappointment I really am. It turns out.... I AM NOT PERFECT. I can't do it all, and although I would like people to think I can. It's not healthy to have to live up to my expectations of my self. I have spent the last 2 week re-evaluating my life, and I now understand that the only way I will ever be okay with the idea of not being perfect is if I let the world know my reality. The truth is... I am good in many things, but I am not the best.
I decided that best way to let everyone know who I am is here, if I start here it will be easier to live it. So as you see, I took off the pink and flowers and the frilly stuff from my blog. I did find this template, which is kind of how I feel lately, black and white with hints of color. I have good days and bad days, and some days are just days.
Hopefully now that I wont be trying so hard to have a picture perfect blog, and life. I will be more faithful to this blogging thing. I will come in my good moments and in my raw moments to share whatever and get it out of my chest. I understand if you totally never come back. I mean... who wants to be near a downer? not me I tell you... But unfortunately she follows me around lately.
Vanessa you're not a failure! You are amazing, phenomenal, creative, loving, nurturing, funny and HUMAN! I know where you're coming from. And admitting that we're human is hard. But honestly it gets easier with time. :) You're awesome. Never let your mortality take away from your divinity.
ReplyDeleteVanessa I just want to give you a great big hug, you are a wonderful mother and wife and nobody thinks you should be perfect. I think manda carol summed it up beautifully, "Never let your mortality take away from your divinity."
ReplyDeleteThe best part of blogging is being able to say what ever you want...I'm not going anywhere.
Love you Vanessa!!!
ReplyDelete